


Falling Slowly

by Mischel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel Feels, Castiel Needs a Hug, Coda, Episode: s08e08 Hunteri Heroici, Gen, Hurt Castiel, Implied Castiel/Dean Winchester, M/M, POV Dean Winchester, Season 8, Suicidal Castiel, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-04
Updated: 2017-09-04
Packaged: 2018-12-23 23:47:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12000459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mischel/pseuds/Mischel
Summary: Ever since Cas confessed he's afraid he might kill himself, Dean's been on high alert. And after Cas leaves for Heaven, adamant he has to face his fears, Dean is more worried than ever, with no way of knowing if Cas is even alive. Still, it's a surprise when Cas calls for him in the middle of the night, but Dean's more than willing to help Castiel and make him feel loved.WARNING: suicide attempt





	Falling Slowly

**Author's Note:**

> A new Destiel fanfic! It's been so long, lately I've only been writing short codas (and there will be more for season 13 of course), and even though some of them were basically oneshots, this one is set in 8x08 Hunteri Heroici and I've even made my own cover art, so yay! It was my first attempt at some decent digital art (I've downloaded a free painting program called Krita for that), and I know it probably looks ridiculous and there are like a thousand things wrong with it (professional fan artists please don't laugh like my sister did), but to be honest I really like how it turned out. Not the best, but I like it :)
> 
> Well, I hope you'll enjoy the fanfic too! Happy reading! :D

Dean wouldn't normally admit this, but he was actually glad that Sam wasn't in the motel room but in the police station instead. It meant that he was with Castiel alone. He knew what the angel's been through, hell, what  _he's_  been through in Purgatory, but the thing was, they still didn't know what got Cas out of there. How exactly did he escape? And Castiel... he didn't seem too eager to find out. Dean knew there was something different about him, and he wanted to help him so desperately. He wanted to solve the problem, whatever that was, and help him. Get him to talk to him, make it right between them again.

But he didn't know where to start. All he knew was that Cas didn't really want to talk about it. He'd say  _I don't know, Dean_ or something like that again and again, but Dean wouldn't accept that. Not this time. He wanted some real answer, to know  _if_ he could even help. They needed to actually  _communicate_ in order to find the needed solution or answer. If there was any.

"Your father..." Cas suddenly said, John's journal in his hands. "...had a beautiful handwriting."

Dean didn't answer that. He went straight to his point by asking, "How are you feeling, Cas?" He didn't want to delay this conversation any longer when Sam wasn't there and they had a moment alone.

"Fine," the angel looked at Dean and shrugged, turning the pages in the journal as if the answer was obvious. It wasn't the  _truth_  though and that was exactly what Dean wanted. How else was he supposed to make Cas understand that he  _cared,_ that he  _wanted_  to help?

Dean closed his eyes briefly when he realized how ridiculously Winchester like the answer  _fine_  was. Cas was becoming more like them, hiding the real answer inside, and Dean knew that wasn't a good thing. It was exactly like Dean acted all the time and Cas probably learned it from him. But Dean wasn't exactly a role model, Cas had to know that, right?

"Well, I just- I-I know that when..." he started, still looking at Cas who didn't really pay him attention. "... when I got puked out of Purgatory, it took me a few weeks to find my sea legs." He said, still looking at his friend.

"I'm fine," Castiel said again, this time not even looking at Dean.

"Don't get me wrong, I'm happy you're back, I'm freaking thrilled," Dean smiled slightly. It was true. He didn't know what he'd do without Cas, but he wouldn't admit that either. "It's just this whole mysterious-resurrection thing always has one mother of a downside." Dean finished and this time Cas closed the journal and looked at him.

"So, what do you want me to do?" He asked as if knowing exactly what Dean was about to answer and already preparing his reply.

Well, here it goes. "Maybe take a trip upstairs," Dean answered. The angels had to know how it happened, right?

"To heaven?" Cas pursed his lips.

"Yeah, poke around, see if the God squad can't tell us how you got out." Dean nodded and looked at Cas, who looked down.

"No." He simply answered. And Dean didn't think he meant it seriously, or maybe he thought he would persuade Cas to go visit Heaven anyway, but he didn't  _think._  And instead, he chuckled.

"Look man, I- I hate those flying ass monkeys just as much as you do, but-"

"Dean! I said  _no!_ " Cas cut him off loudly, avoiding their usual long eye contact even though Dean kept staring at him. Now Dean knew his answer. There was something wrong with his best friend and he intended to fix it. The answer  _fine_  was so obviously a lie that he almost felt guilty for ever teaching him that.

Dean closed Sam's laptop and stood up. He went over to the bed Cas was sitting on and sat down in front of him, on Sam's bed. Cas still wasn't looking at him, but he needed him to know he was there for him. He'd always be there for him.

"Talk to me." He said. It was an offer and an invitation. He knew Castiel would feel better if he talked about his feelings. And Dean was there to listen to everything he had to say. Whether Cas wanted to confess to anything or not.

"Dean, I..." Cas shook his head. He was so quiet and his voice sounded so weak that it almost made Dean's heart break. But he was silent, listening.

Cas then put the journal aside and slowly turned around, facing Dean and finally looking up at him. "When I was... bad. And I had all those things the... the Leviathans writhing inside me. I caused a lot of suffering on Earth," he looked into Dean's eyes. "But I  _devastated_ Heaven. I vaporized thousands of my own kind and I- I- I can't go back." He confessed and looked into Dean's eyes.

For the first time, Dean noticed Castiel's eyes were full of tears. He never thought angels could actually cry because most of them were emotionless dicks with wings, but Cas has always been different, hasn't he? And maybe getting this close to humans exposed him to more feelings.

"'Cause if you do, the angels will kill you." Dean finished for him, looking into Cas' glassy eyes. He felt awful for even suggesting to go to Heaven.

"Because if I see what heaven's become- what I..." Cas sighed and looked down for a second. Then he looked back at Dean. "What I made of it... I'm afraid I might kill myself."

_I'm afraid I might kill myself._

Dean's eyes widened a little as he finally understood what was wrong. He wanted to say something, anything, he wanted to help Cas, to put his arms around him and make sure he never had to go to Heaven again, to fix the issue and make him realize that it wasn't his fault, that he thought he was doing the right thing at the time, but... his brother had always the worst timing ever. The door opened and Sam walked in in his FBI suit.

"Hey," he said. "Got something."

Dean kept staring at Cas, who blinked the tears away and broke the eye contact. "Good." He said and stood up, pretending nothing just happened. "Excellent. What?" He asked and went over to Sam, but Dean just kept sitting there for a few seconds.

If Sam hadn't interrupted their moment, he would have told Castiel he didn't need to go to heaven. They could always find another way because there was  _always_  another way. They could find out what saved Cas and they didn't need help from Heaven. The last thing Dean wanted was for Castiel to die, he would never forgive himself if that happened. And so he decided to protect him, keep an eye on him and make sure Castiel didn't hurt himself.

That was more important than any case.

xoXOXox

They were finally done with the case and all Dean wanted was to jump into some bed (really,  _any_  bed would make do) and enjoy his rest. But they weren't really done yet, at least he wasn't. He never had a chance to finish his conversation with Cas and he knew that even if Cas didn't have more to say, they needed to address it.

For now, they were all standing right next to their old friend, Fred Jones, who was back in his wheelchair, staring at a blank wall.

"Is he, uh, is he okay?" Sam asked, looking a bit worried.

"He's listening to  _Ode to Joy_." Castiel answered, smiling warmly. Dean noticed the smile and something inside him felt a little calmer. He didn't get to see Cas smile often, but he always liked it when his best friend seemed happy. It was a relief after what he'd confessed to earlier. "He's happy." Cas added and looked at Dean and Sam.

"Alright, well, let's blow this termite terrace." Dean looked at Cas and returned the smile. But he still needed to make sure Cas felt happy and a part of their family. "Cas, you get to ride shotgun. You done good." He said.

He couldn't wait to get back to his Baby and see Castiel sitting next to him. It was the least he could do to make Cas stop thinking about Heaven.

"Thanks, but I, uh, I can't come." Cas said, shattering Dean's smile, just like that. "I, uh..." He trailed off, looking down.

"You- you what Cas?" Sam asked instead of Dean. "Why can't you come with us?"

"I... I can't run anymore." He answered and looked at Dean, who was looking right back. He knew what he was talking about, but he didn't like it. "I want to return to Heaven and see... see what I can do to make things right." He admitted and smiled slightly. And that was when Dean got worried all over again. Not that he ever stopped.

"Are you sure?" He asked, taking a tiny step forward. He was just about to suggest that this was the best time to finish their conversation from before and  _really talk_  about it, but Cas was first to answer.

"Yes, Dean. And thank you." He smiled and with the familiar flutter of wings, he disappeared. Dean closed his eyes briefly and sighed. What was he supposed to do? There was no way he could get to Heaven on his own to make sure Cas was okay and they had no way of knowing when Cas would return... if he would return. Dean didn't want to think about that. He swallowed down his rising panic and took a deep breath. He had to trust him and hope that Cas would be alright because if not... he'd never forgive himself.

"Sam, you with me?" Dean punched his brother in his arm, pretending he was fine, as always. Sam nodded. "Alright, let's go." Dean said and left the room, Sam right behind him.

xoXOXox

Dean had trouble sleeping sometimes. He knew Sam knew about it because they've had to share the bedroom since they were kids and sometimes Sam would wake up and spend some time with Dean because he just couldn't fall asleep.

Tonight was one of the nights.

At first it was all because of their mom dying. Nightmares came for him almost every night and he wanted to stay strong for Sam, but he was just four years old. Later he had one or two nightmares because of Sam leaving for college. He was happy that Sam managed to get out and live his own life, but it also always felt like his brother had abandoned him, and Dean felt guilty about feeling like that, but that didn't help with his sleep. Naturally, Sam didn't know about that.

Lately, his dreams ( _if_ he managed to fall asleep) were about Purgatory and all those sleepless nights without Cas by his side. Tonight he didn't have nightmares though, he just couldn't fall asleep.

He kept thinking about Cas and what he'd told him.

_I'm afraid I might kill myself._

The sentence kept repeating itself in his mind and he couldn't get rid of it, he just kept imagining Cas- no, he couldn't think about  _that_ yet. For all he knew, Cas was still alive, safe and sound. But he couldn't be sure of that either, he said he went to Heaven.

Dean sighed and rubbed his eyes. Then he sat up and looked at the digital clock on the nightstand next to his bed. The numbers shone in pale blue color. It was 3:56 AM and Sam was fast asleep on the bed next to him. He considered trying to get some sleep again, but he knew he wouldn't succeed, so he took Sam's laptop and opened it.

He typed in  _freaky accidents_  and scrolled through the results to kill some time. Then he would probably try to fall asleep.

_Dean!_

He blinked and looked at Sam. He was still sleeping and he was alone in the motel room, so who the hell just screamed his name? It sounded as if it was in his head, like-

_Dean!_

He heard again and his eyes widened when he recognised the voice.  _Castiel._ What was wrong? What happened? Was he alright? How the hell could Dean hear him?

Before he could think of a good answer though, everything changed and he wasn't sitting in his bed in the motel room anymore. No, he'd been zapped to a different place and he couldn't see much because it was still night, but the full moon provided a little bit of light.

He looked around and saw a meadow. Around was just a forest.

"Dean!" A broken sob made him turn around. That was when he saw Castiel, kneeling on the ground. He had his angel blade in his hands, pointing at his heart and even though it was dark, Dean could see every emotion on Castiel's face.

"Cas?" He said and immediately knelt down in front of him. "Cas, what the hell are you doing?" He asked, but he knew damn well what was happening.

"I... it was hell, Dean." Castiel sobbed. His face was red and wet and tears were everywhere. The angel was crying in front of him, showing himself to Dean in his weakest moment.

"What?" Dean asked, grabbing Cas' shoulders. "Man, talk to me!" He said and Castiel looked up into his eyes.

"Dean I killed them," he whispered, new tears rolling down his wet cheeks. "I killed them all, it doesn't even look like Heaven anymore." He closed his eyes and tightened his grip on the blade. Dean looked down at Castiel's hands that still held the blade. They were shaking.

"Cas," Dean whispered, but Cas didn't seem to listen to him. "Castiel!" He yelled and Cas finally looked up at Dean again, eyes red-rimmed and puffy. "Don't do this, man.  _Don't_ do this." He told him firmly, not caring about personal space.

"You don't understand, Dean." Castiel whispered and his voice broke. "I'm no angel... I'm a  _monster!"_  He confessed desperately. "I just want the pain to stop!" He whispered as another sob escaped him.

"But not like this, not now." Dean cupped his face, making Cas look into his eyes again. "It's not the end yet, we still need you, man." He tried to smile slightly. "I need you here, you can't do this to me now."

Castiel didn't say anything, he just shook his head and looked down at the blade. "But I have to, what I've done... it's- it's worse than what Lucifer did, Dean." He closed his eyes again and tightened his hold on the blade. Dean looked down as his eyes followed the movement. Then he put his hands over Castiel's and squeezed.

"No, Cas. You're not like him." He said and looked at his angel. "You're so much better than him, you helped me and Sam so many times and you'll help us again, you're  _family._ " He repeated and kept staring into Cas' blue eyes. "You called me here, right?" He asked.

Castiel nodded slightly.

"See?" He smiled and put his hand on Cas' cheek, brushing away the tears. "You wanted me here for a reason. You don't want to do this and you know it. I'm here to help you." He said. "And I'll always be here when you need me, alright? We'll do so many things in the future, but you have to stop now or the future won't happen." He smiled when he felt Cas' hold on the angel blade loosening a little.

He carefully took the blade out of Cas's hands and threw it far away, not breaking the eye contact. Castiel sobbed and looked down. "I'm here." Dean whispered as pulled Cas closer, wrapping his arms around him. "I'm here and I'm not gonna leave you." He added.

Cas nodded as he buried his face in Dean's chest and Dean closed his eyes, letting his chin rest on Cas' head. "I've got you." He whispered and rocked Castiel in his arms.

This was the moment Dean had been so afraid of ever since Cas told him about what he thought he might do if he saw Heaven again. And Dean was glad Cas confided in him, otherwise, they could have been without Cas already, and Dean wouldn't be able to live like that. Cas meant too much to him.

He's always been there for Dean, at least always when it was possible and this was the least Dean could do. To be honest, even though he knew Cas was his best friend... he still wasn't sure what exactly Castiel was to him. It was more than Sam, definitely. He'll always love his brother, but Castiel was a different kind of love. They had a profound bond and the fact that Castiel felt comfortable sharing something like this with him and not Sam, meant that he cared about Dean just as deeply as he did.

"Shh," he whispered as Castiel kept crying. They would get out of this mess, they would get out of this meadow and they would get over this moment. He knew it was true. He would never let Cas down and he'd never leave him, at least not willingly.

Cas just needed to know this. He needed to understand just how much he was worth. And even though Dean still hasn't completely figured out his feelings for Cas, he knew he would one day. And hopefully, Cas would be there with him and it'll be his turn to listen. "It'll be alright, Cas..." Dean whispered and rubbed his back with his hand, up and down. He ignored the cold tears he felt on his own cheeks – coming this close to losing Cas again was something he didn't want to think about.

"Thank you, Dean." Cas whispered and Dean nodded, closing his eyes.

"Anytime." He told him. "Anytime, pal."

The _I think I love you_ was left unsaid. But the time would come. Dean knew it would. And when it will, there'll be  _I think I love you too_  waiting for him in return.

**Author's Note:**

> As always, I'm sorry if there were any grammar mistakes, English isn't my first language, and I know this has probably been already written a million times, but I hope you liked it and please let me know what you think, thanks for reading! :)


End file.
